


A Sad, Strange Little Man

by hermione_vader



Series: Plastic Armor [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (2012), Toy Story Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fusion, Crossover, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-23
Updated: 2013-01-23
Packaged: 2017-11-26 16:33:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/652247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hermione_vader/pseuds/hermione_vader
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Avengers/Toy Story AU.  Captain Steve Rogers, a Captain America action figure, is eight-year-old Phil Coulson's favorite toy, until Phil gets a shiny new Iron Man doll for his birthday.  But Steve can handle this.  Can't he?  Part 1 of the Plastic Armor series.  Originally written for an avengerkink prompt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Sad, Strange Little Man

The news hit Steve like a Tonka truck: Phil's birthday party was _today_.  He'd been so preoccupied getting everyone ready for the that he'd completely forgotten about this.  That was okay.  He could handle this.   
  
As soon as Phil finished the latest installment of their game (ending in a cliffhanger with Loki and Hamm trapping Peggy in an Axis weapons factory), Steve clambered across the bed and onto Phil's desk.  He stood up, cupped his hands around his mouth, and bellowed, "STAFF MEETING, EVERYBODY!"  
  
No one heard him.  They never did.  He'd have to get Thor's help.  But first, he'd have to find him.   
  
First, Steve checked by Phil's half-sister Darcy's crib.  Thor wasn't there, but his younger brother, Loki, was climbing out from between the bars, his plastic hair still shiny with spit.  
  
"Six and up.  Ages six and up.  It's on my box!  I should not be babysitting Princess Drool!" Loki grumbled as he slid down the crib's front left leg.  "Oh, hello, Captain."  He slung his arm around Steve's shoulders and spoke softly.  "Listen, I was wondering if you've begun to put in a good word for me with Phil like we talked about.  Now I know every good story needs a proper villain, but I'll never live up to the high standard Hamm has set with his Evil Dr. Porkchop---"  
  
"Hey, thanks, Loki-buddy!"  Hamm said as he passed by.  
  
"And perhaps instead of being an evil sorcerer, I could be the daring and brave sorcerer who swoops in to save the day when a much-too-powerful villain kidnaps all of the Avengers.  And what with the birthday party today, we might get a toy who could be a new villain---a proper rival for Evil Dr. Porkchop."  
  
"You knew about the party?" Steve asked, shocked that a toy Phil never played with on its own would be keeping track of this.  
  
"You can learn a lot if you listen closely enough, Captain.  Surely Phil's very, very favorite toy was completely ready to welcome some new friends, weren't you?"  Loki gave Steve a sneaky grin and patted his shoulder.  
  
"You know I am, Loki.  Now, I need to find your brother."  
  
Loki scowled.  "Yes, everyone always needs Thor.  No one ever needs Loki, all because of some blasted comic books!"  
  
Hamm clopped past them again.  "Eh, don't worry about it, Trickster!  I'm a lot more limited than you---as a Bond villain knockoff, I can only be Chaotic Evil.  You can always play up the Chaotic Neutral and Chaotic Good parts of your character alignment."  
  
Loki turned to Hamm.  "Really?  I hadn't thought of that."  
  
"Oh yeah," Hamm began as he led Loki away from Steve.  "You're the most flexible of all of us.  Cap's stuck at Neutral Good and so are the other Avengers.  But you---you got options, baby."  
  
"Thank you, Hamm," Steve mouthed before the piggy bank strolled around the crib's corner with an attentive Loki in tow.

"Who do you think put him up to it?" Peggy (an Intelligence Officer Barbie) said as she strolled up to Steve.  
  
"Oh, h-h-hey, Peggy," Steve stammered.  "I, uh, well, I, uh, I owe you one."  
  
She smiled.  "Yes, I suppose you do.  Stop by my shoebox later and we can discuss a method of repayment."  She walked away, waving.  
  
"Uh, yeah, okay!  See you then!" Steve called out.  He stood there for a few moments, slightly dazed, until an arrow landed at his feet.  He looked up and saw Clint (an archer action figure) and Natasha (a Secret Agent Barbie) crawling out of the desk drawer, where Phil had left them.  He always insisted that they were a couple in his various games and stories, but Steve knew they were best friends, nothing more.  
  
"You looking for Thor?" Clint asked, swinging his legs up over the drawer's edge.  "He's hiding behind the Legos, right next to the giant snakes.  You can't miss 'im."  
  
"Okay, thanks, Clint," Steve answered, making his way past the Fisher-Price village towards the Legos.  "And how are you doing, Natasha?"  
  
Her face contorted into a dissatisfied smirk.  "If that kid smashes my mouth against Clint's one more time, I swear I will---"  
  
"Great to hear it!"  
  
Steve stood outside the fortress that the Legos had just constructed out of themselves and he waited, letting the rubber snakes slither around his feet.  A red-and-black snake with yellow eyes began to curl up his right leg when---  
  
BAM!!!  
  
Thor burst through the fortress's front wall, scattering Legos everywhere.  He flung out his arms, thrust Mjolnir up towards the ceiling, and roared in Steve's face.

"WHAT TREACHEROUS KNAVE DARES INVADE MY NOBLE REALM?!?!?!" Thor bellowed, waving his arms some more and knocking Steve's helmet off his head.  "RUN FOR THE HILLS, YOU DISGUSTING PIECE OF FILTH, OR FEEL THE WRATH OF THOR ODINSON, CROWN PRINCE OF ASGARD!!!"  
  
"Hi, Thor," Steve said flatly.  
  
"What did you think, Captain?  Did I strike terror into your heart?"  Thor's eyes were wide and pleading.  
  
Steve shrugged.  "There were inklings of terror."  
  
"I hope so.  I'm a competent fighter, it's true, but I need a terrifying demeanor in order to fully become this realm's fiercest warrior."  
  
"I'm sure you can do it, buddy."  Steve lowered his voice.  "But right now, I need your help."  
  
"Is this about the birthday party today?"  Thor shook with excitement.  
  
Steve raised an eyebrow.  "How did you---"  
  
"My brother told me this morning, of course."  
  
Steve sighed.  Why wasn't he on the ball today?  "This has something to do with that.  A bit.  I need you to call a staff meeting for me."  
  
"Oh, is that all?  I'm always happy to oblige you, Captain."  Thor climbed up to the top of the desk and shouted.  "CITIZENS OF PHIL'S BEDROOM!  OUR GOOD CAPTAIN REQUESTS YOUR PRESENCE AT A STAFF MEETING!  YOUR COOPERATION WOULD BE MUCH APPRECIATED AND REWARDED!  THANK YOU AND GOOD DAY!"  
  
Everyone stopped dead in their tracks and immediately shuffled over to the upside-down bucket that served as a podium.  Phil's Fisher-Price tape player hopped over and Steve took its microphone.

"Is this on?  Can everybody hear me?"  Steve watched a sea of little heads nod as the feedback pierced the air.  "Great.  First off, I'd like to start today's meeting by letting you know how pleased we all were with the great turn out for Mr. Spell's seminar on 'What To Do If You Or Part Of You Is Swallowed'.  Let's give Mr. Spell a round of applause for putting that together."  
  
The sound of lukewarm applause skittered throughout the room and Mr. Spell said a robotic "thank you."  
  
"I could have used that seminar two weeks ago, when Darcy ate my helmet!" Loki interjected.  
  
"You got it back a couple of days later," Hamm reminded him, snickering.  
  
"Anyway, next point of business: Has everybody picked a moving buddy?"  
  
"Moving buddy?"  Loki asked.  
  
"I didn't know we should have chosen someone already!"  Thor said hurriedly.  
  
"CLINT!  My moving buddy is Clint!" Natasha shouted, grabbing the archer's arm.  "Someone write that down."  
  
All of the other toys started jabbering in a state of minor panic, glancing at each other to see if they weren't the only buddy-less toy left.  
  
"Okay, okay, everybody," Steve told them, motioning for them to calm down.  "I'm bringing it up now so we can all stay together when the time comes.  We only have one week before the move.  I don't want any toys left behind!"  
  
"We could leave Loki behind," Natasha said.  
  
Loki glowered at her.  "Shut your disproportionate mouth, you mewling---"  
  
"Steve, is that it or are we standing around for something else?"  Clint asked, looking up towards the windowsill where he'd rather be perched.  
  
Steve ducked his head down.  "Our final point of business is that Phil's birthday party has been moved to today."  
  
The early panic increased tenfold.  The Hot Wheels cars raced around in circles, the snakes tied themselves into a giant knot, and everyone else shrieked, wondering whether or not they'd be headed for the attic.  Or worse: the dump.  He distinctly heard a "HULK SMASH NEW TOYS" from Hulk, the largest of the of the plush toys.  
  
"What if he gets another warrior figure, a frightening one?!" Thor wondered, stamping his feet and pulling his hair.  
  
"Guys!  Guys!  Every Christmas and birthday we go through this: no is getting replaced.  This is Phil we're talking about.  He wouldn't do that to us.  We are going to welcome some new friends today, and we will all be fine.  And no, Hulk, you won't smash anyone."  
  
"Easy for you to say: you've been Phil's favorite since preschool!" Clint pointed out.  
  
"Even so, I can tell you right now that we're overreacting over nothing.  We'll just have to wait and see what Phil's friends give him."  Steve kept his voice steady and ignored the other shout.  
  
"It looks like we won't have to wait very long..." Clint began, now in his windowsill perch.  "...'cause THEY'RE HERE!"

All of the toys who were physically able to climb scrambled up to the sill and desk and crowded as close to the edge as they could while the rest leaned up again the wall below.  Steve managed to squeeze to the front, as did Thor, Loki, Hamm, Hulk, and Natasha.  
  
"Are there any warrior-shaped presents?" Thor blurted out.  
  
"They're all in boxes, you idiot!" Hamm snapped.  
  
Blinky, the plastic bionoculars, offered himself to Steve and Thor, who each grabbed an end.  Hulk smooshed his face into the middle.  
  
"Oh, look, a small one," Steve observed.  Then the person carrying it turned and revealed that the box was very, _very_ long.  "Or not."  
  
"I can't take this tension, Captain!" Thor exclaimed.  
  
Hulk slammed Blinky onto the desk.  "HULK WANT TO KNOW WHAT _IN_ THE BOXES!!!"  
  
All of the toys looked to Steve.  He scanned the room and noticed five familiar heads.  
  
"COMMANDOS!"  Steve called.  "I've got a mission for you!"  
  
"What is it, Captain Rogers?" Lieutenant Falsworth asked from the middle of the crowd.  The others weren't far behind him.  
  
"I need you to plan a reconaissance mission---find out what's in those presents," Steve said firmly.  
  
"Absolutely, sir.  I'm sure we'll think of something."  Falsworth pulled Jones, Dugan, Morita, and Dernier aside and they formed a huddle.  Steve remembered how Phil collected them one by one with his allowance.  He didn't get a Bucky figure, but Steve was pretty sure Phil was still saving up for one.  That'd be nice---a proper second in command.  Falsworth's voice snapped him out of his brief reverie.  "We have a plan, sir.  It's hasty, but it should work."  
  
Steve rubbed his hands together.  "Alright, good job, guys.  Let's get to work!"

The Commandos marched over and grabbed Darcy's baby monitor.  They marched downstairs, but Dugan and Jones soon returned with the monitor's receiver, which Phil and Darcy's mother must have brought down to the kitchen with her earlier.  Thor and Loki grabbed a jump rope and Clint and Natasha helped pull the receiver up to the desk.  Steve turned it on.  They were ready.  
  
"Mother Bird, this is Nest Egg.  Come in, Mother Bird." Falsworth's voice crackled through the receiver.  
  
"We can hear you loud and clear, Falsworth.  Can't we, guys?"  Steve looked to the crowd, and they nodded and whispered amongst themselves.  
  
"We have the first present.  It looks like...bed sheets."  
  
"Who invited _that_ child?" Loki wondered.  
  
"The second present is...a lunchbox."  
  
"FOR LUNCH.  HULK LIKE LUNCH."  
  
And so they recited the presents one by one, followed each time by a snide remark back in Phil's bedroom.  No major arrivals---mostly objects, not toys.  Still, Steve kept hoping someone might give Phil a Bucky action figure.  It was highly unlikely, but still possible.  
  
"And the last present is...a rubber duck."  
  
"...Why?" Clint, Natasha, and Peggy asked at once.  
  
"Alright, everybody, let's pack it in," Steve told the crowd.  They all began to shuffle away when Falsworth's voice crackled through the receiver again.  
  
"It looks like Mother has pulled a surprise present from the closet!  Phil's opening it now!  He's extremely excited!  It's---"  
  
A jolt of fear and excitement ran through Steve.  Bucky action figure.  Bucky action figure.  Bucky action figure.  Pleaseplease _please_.  
  
"They're all crowding around Phil, and it's a...it's a---"  
  
"For Odin's sake, TELL US!!!"  Thor shook the desk's left leg and the receiver tumbled to the floor.  The batteries popped out.  Clint and Natasha hurried to put them back in.  By the time they did, it was too late.  
  
"Mother Bird, Phil is coming.  I repeat, Phil is coming."  
  
"Everyone in your positions!  NOW!"  Steve ordered.  He leapt back to his usual spot on the bed.

Phil and his friends ran up the stairs---Steve could hear their thundering footsteps.  The door burst open and they rushed in.  Suddenly, Steve felt his body get flung up against the wall and slide down in to the dark abyss beneath the bed.  He just kept moving towards the light at the edge, hoping to reach the rest of the room.  When he did, he stayed put until Phil and the other boys ran back downstairs for cake.  
  
"Captain!" Thor called, his head tilted upward.  "Who joins you up there?"  
  
"Oh, hey, guys," Steve said quickly.  
  
"Captain, whatever were you doing down there?"  
  
Steve brushed himself off.  "Uh, things got shuffled up there.  They're so rambunctious---too much sugar and all."  
  
"Did somebody get...replaced?" Hamm asked.  
  
"I do believe you're right, Dr. Porkchop," Loki answered, elbowing Hamm playfully.  
  
"No.  I haven't been replaced.  There's just been a slight mix-up."  Steve couldn't be replaced.  He couldn't.  Piggy banks and bad guys were a dime a dozen, but Steve had gotten Phil through who knows how many sick days and his parents' divorce and then his mom's recent divorce from Darcy's father.  Stuff like that couldn't be replaced, no matter how bright and shiny this newcomer might be.  Steve told himself that as he climbed back up the bedpost.   
  
The newcomer on the bed was not a Bucky action figure.  He was red-and-gold and robotic.  Steve recognized him from TV commercials he'd glimpsed when he was alone with Phil: the Invincible Iron Man.  Another comic book superhero.  
  
"Uh, hi," Steve began.  "Welcome to Phil's bedroom.  It's great to have you here, but there's been some sort of mix-up because this is my spot.  It's always been my spot."  
  
"Wait, what?"  Iron Man lifted the front of his helmet up and looked at Steve's uniform.  "Oh, Army.  You guys are great customers.  Love the star and stripes.  Name's Tony Stark, and this is the Iron Man Mark VII suit."  
  
"Uh, that's great.  Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to introduce you to the others."  He could play nice.  Yes, he could.  
  
"So are you the new liaison?  Don't get me wrong---the army's been great to me in the past, but the government is not getting their hands on this suit.  I'll have Pepper send them another memo."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Best secretary you could ever ask for.  Great in the sack, too.  Don't tell her I said that, though.  She'd frown at us and the shame levels would go through the roof."  
  
Steve blinked.  "I don't really know what you're---"  
  
"Steve, aren't you going to introduce us?" Loki asked as he climbed up the comforter.  
  
"Oh, right.  Iron Man, meet Loki Odinson, one of Phil's other toys."  
  
Iron Man grabbed Loki by the shoulders.  "Whoa, you look fantastic!  I love this goth-rocker-meets-Johnny-Weir-in-hell look!  You have to give me your hairdresser's name---I'll have Pepper make a note of it."  
  
Loki glanced at Steve.  "I'm sorry, what?"  
  
"You're right: we'll discuss that later."  
  
Now Thor made his way up the bed.  "OH NO!  IT _IS_ ANOTHER WARRIOR!!!  I CAN'T HANDLE THE COMPETITION!!!!"  He crawled under the comforter and Steve could hear giant sobs.  
  
"I know a ton of great therapists if he needs a recommendation," Iron Man said to Steve.  
  
"No, you don't.  You're toy," Steve corrected.  
  
Iron Man smirked.  "I believe the term your looking for is 'billionaire playboy philanthropist.'"  
  
"No, I'm really not."  
  
"Oh, this is going to be _wonderful_ ," he heard Loki murmur beneath Thor's sobbing.  
  
Maybe it would.  This guy could come around.  At least that's what Steve told himself.  Everything would go back to normal.  Phil had done this a hundred times before, and he'd always come back to Steve.  There was no reason things would be different this time.  And he could still get a Bucky action figure.  Because there was always Christmas.  Because nothing was going to go wrong.  He wouldn't let it.  And no delusional cyborg-wannabe was going to get in his way.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [A Sad Strange Little Man [Podfic]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3852706) by [blackglass](https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackglass/pseuds/blackglass)




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